# If You Are Escaping From An Insane Asylum, This Is The Bike For You



## Goldenrod (Oct 9, 2019)

If You Are Escaping From An Insane Asylum, This Is The Bike For You.

By Ray Spangler and Al Blum


This bike was purchased from my friend, “Baltimore Sam” Fitzsimmons. Odd bikes seem to stick to him like burrs on a coon hound. Since it was made by our friends in China, perhaps this bullet-proof, heavy-weight bike was made to pull a Chinese, rice patty plow. I neglected to take a “before” picture but this bike used to have fenders and a skirt guard that have been broken off. The tires are as bald as my head so it has had a hard life since being born around 2014-2015. The paint job was done by stenciling black over white so the old girl seems to be decorated to give viewers a headache. The only way I could add to its “migraine mission” was to find fenders that could be covered in checkerboard duct tape. This project was beneath the dignity of anyone in my family so I dragged it over to Al’s house with my junky, mismatched accessories. Two guys sitting on milk crates discussing how to get the tape lines straight reminded me of a Cub Scout den meeting, minus my Mom.
A few of these three-speed Dynacraft Missoni bikes were ordered with this paint job for Target and sold as Christmas gifts. Can you picture this gift (to Mom) under the Ho Ho tree? It would need a three-foot red bow to tone it down a bit. It is like riding an abstract painting but the bike is its own anti-theft device. I bought a male on eBay for breeding purposes.
The yellow Coo-Coo bird squeeze-horn is a female -- I checked. Since this is a girl’s bike and the straightjacket has a whiff of perfume, we can conclude that there is a female maniac loose nearby so hide behind your women and don’t give exceptionally strange ladies rides on your handlebars. While we are on the subject of maniacs, my pre-Whizzer friends started a lobotomy fund for me, as a joke (I hope). There aren’t many coins in the slotted glass building block yet. Maybe that will change after my Headache Bike is displayed. If we wait long enough, old age will take care of my personality without an operation.
Educational interval
Finally, we get to the helpful example of how to mate mismatched parts together. Al’s favorite cobbling device is Joe Cargola’s Whizzer clutch adjusting strap which features several predrilled holes. The strap and two bolts converts it into an unobtrusive accessory extension that can be adjusted by swinging it to different positions.
I am dedicating this vehicle-build to Al Blum, King Of Mechanical Creativity and Reg Williams who has designed the most creatively bizarre builds in the Motorbike and Scooter Kingdoms. Each of the Illinois Boys: Mikey Bikey, Kenny Robins, Joe Cargola, Quenton and others have their own unique history. If a project rolls, involves steel and goes putt-putt-putt, we embrace it, as our wives roll their eyes.  Reprinted from the National Whizzer Newsletter. To subscribe call:630-897-3601.  $30 per yr. for 12 newsletters.


What is wrong in this picture?


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## unregistered (Oct 9, 2019)

Pretty sure Target sold these bikes in 2014-2015. 

Are they trying to sell it?


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## Goldenrod (Oct 9, 2019)

buses n bikes said:


> Pretty sure Target sold these bikes in 2014-2015.
> 
> Are they trying to sell it?



You are probably correct.   My information is spotty.  Originals are on eBay but you have to do the extra decorations and modification yourself.   Straight jacket is from China through eBay.  I will edit the above copy, thanks, Kind Sir.


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## bricycle (Oct 10, 2019)

If you get arrested, you can get one of these bikes...
https://www.ebay.com/itm/274046659051


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## vincev (Oct 10, 2019)

Target carried them.


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## Saving Tempest (Oct 10, 2019)

Rick Nielsen's bike (Cheap Trick)


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## Goldenrod (Dec 10, 2020)

bump


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