# Tool Names And Uses.



## 37fleetwood (Mar 17, 2008)

ok, here is a list of the tools, and their uses, you will need to work on your bike this spring to get it ready for riding:

        DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and
                  flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. 

                  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. 
                  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'YEOw..' 

                  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age. 

                  SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short. 

                  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women. 

                  BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 

                  VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
                   can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand. 

                  WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

                  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.
                   Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of. 


                  TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. (and at our house...used to
attempt self-amputation of a thumb!)

                  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper. 

                  EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. 

                  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel
wires. 

                  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than
any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use. 

                  TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

                  TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source 
                  of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. 

                  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. 

                  STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. 

                  AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly
rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. 

                  PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

                  HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 

                  HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping
holes in walls when hanging pictures. 

                  DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. 
                  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

Scott


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## J.E (Mar 17, 2008)

LOL.....How true it is....


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## Classicriders (Mar 18, 2008)

I noticed that a couple of my favorite tools was notably absent... The "Crescent-Hammer" and "Pry-Driver-Chisel", or "PDC".
  The popularity of the modern day multi-tool can trace it's roots to it's founding father, the Crescent-Hammer.  Many people may think that the common Jack Knife laid the foundation for what would later become the multi-tool but they would be mistaken.  For it was actually the Crescent Hammer that really got the ball rolling.  
Long considered to be the Ace of rounding off bolt heads and the primary culprit of skinned and bloodied knuckles.  The common Crescent wrench has long been the bane of many would be mechanics' very existence.
However, it was discovered that the Crescent wrench is also a most suitable substitute for the common hammer.  After all, why stop what you are doing and delay progress to take two steps to retrieve an actual hammer when the Crescent wrench is already there?  I mean, this could put a halt to the job lasting as many as three to five long seconds.  All you need to do is flip that wrench over and you have a perfectly suitable substitute hammer head right?
Soon to follow was the discovery of the "pry driver chisel".  
 Now I am not going to bore you all with a history of this multi-tools' discovery.  I mean if you don't know what a "pry-driver-chisel" is?  Well then I just don't see how you could ever consider yourself a true mechanic of any kind?
....and remember....if a hammer can't fix it?  It's an electrical problem!

Greg


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## 37fleetwood (Mar 18, 2008)

My brother married a woman with 4 teen age boys and each of them can only use two tools (the same two) first the screw driver (never Phillips) if it can't be removed of fixed with the screw driver they go for the hammer in combination with the screw driver (I'm hopeful that the use of tools in combination shows a spark of latent as yet untapped aptitude). If the combination of the hammer and screw driver don't work then the hammer must be employed alone. sadly the Crescent Wrench (along with other adjustable tools such as pliers, pipe wrench, etc.) is far above their level at least at present. All my hammers have been renamed the Smith tool in their honor.
Scott


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## Flat Tire (Mar 18, 2008)

When I was in the Air Force my first instructor in tech school pulled out a hammer and said "This will become your best friend"....

Later he said "A screwdriver is not a prybar"....

And what did I do in the AF you ask?  Munitions Maintenance:eek:


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## 37fleetwood (Mar 18, 2008)

Don't tell me you were the guy who sat at the end of the conveyor belt tapping the bombs with your hammer looking for duds!
Scott


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## J.E (Mar 18, 2008)

Lol...........:d


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## Flat Tire (Mar 18, 2008)

37fleetwood said:


> Don't tell me you were the guy who sat at the end of the conveyor belt tapping the bombs with your hammer looking for duds!
> Scott




Of course not, we used cresent wrenches for that


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## Monark52 (Mar 18, 2008)

*Great Stuff!*

I laughed my ass off when i read the one about the floor jack!!


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